It's just my luck to end up getting stuck to everything you are

help :[

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 04:20:06 GMT

so my cousin jess that i wrote in here about us getting into a huge blowout fight, is going to be working my shift (3-11:30) in two weeks.. im not at ALL looking forward to this. now i have to constantly be around her and it just got me torn. i miss her, but even if i called her up right now and said lets get over this shit.. it will never be like it was before - EVER. she damaged too much by all the bullshit she talked on me and my family. so its like what do you do? and even if her and i mended things my relationship with my aunt will NEVER EVER be the same.. she is still running her mouth so.. idk im really torn. plus jess has been getting ppl at work to ignore me, and this one girl im really disappointed in because her and i were friends at the same time jess and her were.. and she completely stopped talking to me - so i know jess ran her mouth to her and for that girl to believe everything someone else says without knowing everything and automatically labeling me the "bad guy" pisses me off. listen, i admit my wrongs but I WAS NOT WRONG IN THIS SITUATION. all i did was call jess out for talking shit.. so why do i get treated like trash? from ppl who are not even in the fight!!

ive been applying for different jobs all around the hospital.. the only way to get away from jess and her little mindless followers are to not work in transport.. which makes me sad cause i like MY TRUE friends that i work with and id see them around but id miss working with em.

I dont get it, why the bad guy always wins and gets ppl to fucking follow them. i dont have any of my friends ignoring jess because i want them on my side... so why the fuck are a few ppl ignoring me for her? it makes me mad just thinking about it... even worst she talked SHIT on the ppl she has ignoring me and she's pretending to be buddies with. i could be a real bitch and tell them that.. but i would never.. idk. i believe in karma, maybe for just certain ppl it takes longer to hit.

i wish jess didnt say all those nasty hurtful things so we could get over all this, but obviously that was how she was feeling about me so maybe even though it completely ruined our relationship, but its better i know the truth right?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!?

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 04:33:05 GMT

so i get a fuckin FACEBOOK message from my stepmom saying...

"just in case your wondering, your siblings are growing up and it would be nice if they knew who you were...lisa"

in which, i replied:

"and just in case my FATHER was wondering he has a grandaughter and it would've been nice to hear from him before she was born...lindsey"

Totally boss. haha

fyi, my father stopped speaking to me on my 16th birthday cause i decided to tell him how i rly felt about how shitty of a father he was and he didnt want to hear it so he cut me out of his life. and my stepmom is an evil bitch and for some reason tries to contact me over the years and i told her several times my father needs to be the one who wants to talk.. not you. I told myself that if he doesnt try and contact me by the time i have avyonna, im done - and we're done. and what do you know.. still nothing from him, so IM DONE. I refused to be disappointed by him YET AGAIN, i have toooo much going in my life, and how am i going to work thngs out with someone who wont even call himself?! no, that just shows me he doesnt care, cause if he did he would call me. I remember why day at work I was in the elevator and this older guy was there asking me about a nurse and what floor she worked on and I told him, he proceeded to tell me that that's his daughter and he hasnt spoke to her or his grandson in years and he misses her and wants her back in his life that's why he's looking for her.. and i couldnt help but think how envious I was b/c my father would NEVER do that.. so that man in the elevator was someone who needed his daughter back in his life - my father is not.

i hope this bitch doesnt harrass me on facebook. i dont need this petty crap right now

life is not at all fair....

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 16:40:44 GMT

yesterday morning we went to chop and found out that avyonna does have Glutaric Aciduria Type-1, it is a very rare but very severe genetic disorder. Its depressing and I dont wanna repeat what can happen to a child who has this so if you want just look it up on google or something.

I would take any problem on, but just not anything wrong with my child.. I couldnt wait to have children someday and now that i have a gorgeous babygirl she has this? if something happens to her I will just die.. I cannot live without her and I wont be able to handle anything less then her having a healthy and normal happy life.

it never ends with me i feel like.. other ppl get to enjoy their healthy kids and enjoy their life (though i know everyone has stresses and problems) but its just one event after another in my life.

on one end i feel like god wouldnt give me anything i couldnt handle, but on the other i feel like if there is a god, he clearly isnt on my side with anything. im angry, im sad, im hurt, im confused - i dont know what i am.

1 in 40,0000 caucasian babies get GA-1.. 1 in fucking 40,000 and MY daughter was that 1... tell me how the fuck that would make you feel. that i would meet and fall in love and have a child with someone who has the SAME EXACT bad gene that i have..which is why she has the disorder because she inherited both of the bad genes.

idk what else to even say, im pissed.

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 18:25:22 GMT

so i got rid of the myspace cause im literally never on it.

ill post some pics of the baby since i havent updated in forever..

still struggling with the bills, joe's still looking for a job. hopefully things will get easier for us finincially..i just hope he finds a job soon

TRIBUTE TO ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING ENTERTAINERS TO EVER LIVE

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 16:02:51 GMT

I am seriously, so crushed that Michael Jackson has passed away. Ever since I could talk I was obsessedddddd with him and his music, my whole family called me yesterday because everyone knows how much i love him. Aside from the not so normal life that he lived and things that has gone on with him.. nobody can deny just how talented he is and how much he truly has changed music - he is music. There is no one even close to his level and we may never see someone as successful and talented as michael jackson. its sad because his music was apart of my whole life and i just hope that all of his fans keep him alive through his music and his legacy.

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 18:21:48 GMT

so joe's sister is helping out with watching the baby which is a big help because she is literally right up lansdowne like 5 mins from the hospital so the two nights a week that joe works late his sister Alex will watch the baby that way I dont have to drive all the way to aston to pick her up at my parents house late at night, and wednesday joe's off, the days that he works early i'll bring her to my parents house and they can drop her off with joe when he gets home from work around 7 so i can just come straight home those nights.. so this is all a HUGE relief - I just need to get through today cause this is the first night that Alex is watching her and she has two kids of her own so I hope the baby isn't too much for her. im SOOOO protective, this is my baby, and I absolutely want her to be 100% safe with the people i leave her with.. especially after what happened with my sister and nephew it makes me more crazy then I already am. Im sure everything will be fine though. I hope today goes by fast.. i'll call over there after im at work for a little bit to check up and see how she's doing.

guess thats all..

im sadddd

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 17:56:25 GMT

today is my first day back to work.. Im coming back on the middle shift which is 3-11:30 and since joe doesn't have a car i have to drop the baby off at my mom's (which i already did) and then pick her up after work soooo we won't be getting home til after 12 which COMPLETELY SUCKS. I was soooo sad dropping the baby off, i was just getting used to being home with her and taking car of the house and stuff... and now i have to get used to being at work on the worst shift ever and not seeing my baby for 8 1/2 hours :( I cried when I left my mom's house I cant take leaving her </3 so now im gonna be all thrown off until i get back into the swing of things with working and all. Joe needs to get a new fucking job and quick, he needs to save up and look for a car because its not fair that I have to pick her up so late and I can't work day shift because Id have to get up at like 5 in the morning just to get her ready and take her all the way to Aston to my parent's house and that would be even worst. this sucks. i wish I had a job where I could be at home, I would say I wish joe made enough money for me to stay home but thats soooo far fetched lol no offense but it is. AND plus me and joe are like never going to see eachother, his days off are during the week and most days he opens at the store. I told my mom days that joe gets out at 5 or 6 she can drop the baby off with joe at the apartment because there is no point in him being home for like 6 hours until I get out and me having to once again go all the way to my parents house so late. at least some nights I can come straight home. so idk i had to let that all out. im nervous to go to work.. i hope i remember what to do haha

im so lucky♥

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 21:41:26 GMT

That picture is PERFECT. She rolled over for the first time on Tuesday! I couldn't believe it.. now I see what they mean when they grow up so fast. I love her so much. I can't wait till I can tell her that and hear her say it back to me♥

Things are going SO GREAT. Joe and I are back to ourselves, we're not letting the stresses in our lives make us miserable and act mean to eachother. Yesterday he left work an hour early and his face just lit up when he came in the door and saw me and avy.. we had a good night together last night.

as for the whole jealous entry I wrote in.. I had a couple of signs this week that proved I have joe, and I have no need to be jealous of anything or anyone. Im lucky that I have such an amazing guy and well, he's pretty damn lucky to have a great girl like me by his side :)

thats all for now, she's sitting in her chair hopefully she is good while i try and clean up around the apartment.

weird day

Sat, 23 May 2009 18:30:21 GMT

I was watching True Life today and the episode was about ppl who were split apart from their siblings and searched to find them and be reunited... it really made me miss Lindsay, I wish she was here.. her and I were so close, she's the one that got me into the "hip" music cause she was a couple years older then me, showed me how to wear make-up, told me all about boys.. I just hate that right before she was murdered I was telling her all about Joe and I really wanted her to meet him and find out what she thought of him.. but he never got to meet her.

Now I dont have that sibling that im close with.. especially that sister bond. I just miss her..

I just want her to be okay already :\

Fri, 08 May 2009 15:11:45 GMT

So I'll start with the good news..

I got approved for a loan on my OWN from the credit union, so I got a new car - 2006 ford focus it's cute and I love ford focus' they are great cars.. I had one in the accident we got in and even though it was totalled it kept us safe so. Only problem is, Im not getting paid while on maternity leave and with all of our bills that we already have Im not gonna have the money for my $225.00 car payment that is due on june 4th. Im stressin beyond belief about all the bills and baby stuff we have to buy and barely any money cause again, im not getting a pay check.

And for the bad news...

Went to CHOP yesterday, for what I thought was just going to be Avy getting blood work done again so they can re-run the tests to see if she has this disorder [Glutaric Aciduria Type 1] which is a VERY serious and very rare case, which could lead to death or brain damage. But we ended up going in and it was a whole consultation (that i was not aware of) with a dietician who gave us Avy's special formula which will be delivered to our apartment every month, we have to measure it on a gram scale exactly, mix it all together and she has to eat a certain amount a day. She's being started on special medicine and all this shit.. I dont even know, I can't believe this is happening. I want my daughter to live a healthy and normal life - I dont want to be in and out of the hospital (which she will have to start going every week) I dont want to have to panic when she gets sick because it can cause an episode and do damage to the brain and she won't come back from that.

Im angry, Im sad, Im jealous of people who get to enjoy their kids and not have to worry like this. All I know is my daughter is my whole heart, if anything ever happens to her I will die. I love her so much and I just want to see her smile and not be in pain.. it's not fair.

I hate missing him so much....

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 18:35:35 GMT

joe was a lot of help yesterday, he let me sleep the whole night again last night while he took care of the baby. she woke up around 7 a.m and I brought her out to the living room so Joe could get some sleep. I really miss laying with him at night, but I know until we get used to this big change of having a baby this is how it's gonna be for a little while. This morning I laid the baby on the floor on her blankets and she just looked around while me and joe cleaned around the house and he hung up the curtains and paintings that we never got to when we moved in. We had a good morning with eachother. I just miss him so much, I hate it honestly... I feel so weak without him. I dropped him off to work and brought the baby to my parents house for the day til he gets done work. I dont wanna sit in the house alone today.

I hope joe knows how much I truly love him.. I tell him a thousand times, I kiss him over and over and tell him how amazing he is but I feel like I love him so much there's no way he even can understand how much. I hate feeling like that, I know deep down joe loves me just as much and he does know how overwhelming it feels.. but I can't imagine someone loving me that much.. idk why Im like that. He's just everything I've ever wanted and I always think back to how we met and our first date.. Im so happy that I met him, I can't imagine not having a life with him. I love him more and more everyday and I still miss him like I did when we first dated. It's scary feeling that way for someone, I hope we always stay as close as we are and do everything we promised eachother we would do together.. problem is I shouldnt "hope" for that.. I should just "know" but again, that's just how I am..

I hope I feel better today. I felt good yesterday and this morning, I think that's just cause joe was home with us, I feel a little down now that Im at my parents. We'll see...

okay, so he redeemed himself

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 20:53:16 GMT

last night joe took care of the baby and let me sleep the whole night because he was off today. that was the BIGGEST help ever and I really needed it. He just cooked dinner for me and it was the first time i've eaten anything since avy was born. he's doing a great job and the help is really making me feel more at ease today. still taking the meds, probably won't be in my system for a couple more days but i just hope this all helps me get back to the old me.

I do have a pounding headache so im gonna go lay down. the baby will be getting up soon to eat probably.

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:49:14 GMT

so the doctor from CHOP called and said two of the three tests came back and they show elevated signs for the disorder they are checking her for. they dont want to confirm anything until weds. because that's when the third test comes back.

so what do i do? i go online and look up the disease... big fucking mistake.

Im a mess, i dont want anything to be wrong with her, I dont want any risk of her having a messed up life or any risk of her losing her life... im so scared. this is my babygirl, my first born angel and if anything happens to her i'll die. i've never loved something so much, i've never worried or cared about something so much... my heart would shatter into a billion pieces if anything bad happened to her especially health wise.

im so scared, why is this happening to us? i dont get it... i feel like what have i done so bad in my life that i deserve to have my child suffer from something. i want a normal life, i want happy and healthy children. I have to keep it together.. joe will be home soon and i know it will only scare him if im really upset. Im not telling him what i read online about it, i dont wanna break his heart.

i guess prayers aren't enough sometimes.

baby blues...

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 13:42:07 GMT

I had the baby all day yesterday by myself in the apartment.. it was too hot to go anywhere with her plus she's still too little and im not allowed to drive still so i was bored out of my mind, joe got home around 6:30 and we went to his mom's house for a couple of hours. the baby was fussy cause they had no air and it was hot as shit in her house. we got home and I was just not feeling myself yesterday.. I was rly distant from joe idk why i couldnt help it. I usually keep the baby out in the living room so he can get sleep when he has to work early the next day but last night he told me to stay in the room so we could actually lay together and so i could try and get some sleep when the baby sleeps. She was alright, slept a little bit but in the early morning around 5 I ended up just bringing her out in the living room.

I feel lonely in the apartment, I have visitors here and there but first of all, I've been outta work since the accident so that was pretty boring in itself, I was always going up to my parents house while joe was at work. Then I have the baby, im not allowed to drive, joe goes back to work, im not feeling myself anyway cause of postpardom, and im stuck in the house alllllll day just me and this little baby who eats, poops, cries a little and then sleeps lol. It's just so hard, and it's only been a week.. I feel bad feeling this way but it's how I feel. Joe was upset this morning i think cause he knows im not opening up to him as much, but im tired of crying and saying "this is so hard" so i just haven't said anything to him. Idk, I don't feel like myself and I used to go crazy being in the apartment when joe was at work and i had nothing to do and now i have no choice really to be in the house. Hopefully in a couple weeks things will get better, i'll start feeling like myself, the baby will be okay going to my parents and stuff with me, she'll maybe sleep longer at night??

I just have a lot going through my head and I try to stop myself cause I know whatever it is im thinking isn't really me cause im not myself. *sigh* this is just so hard...

good days do come around sometimes..

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 15:42:11 GMT

Yesterday I had some visitors to come see the baby, which was nice cause it was my first official day home with Avy without joe all day. I did good with her, got her to take a nap in her bouncy chair for a couple hours while i got cleaned up and got some stuff done. I had a home care nurse come check me and the baby out, she was really nice and again everything looks good with the both of us. The my mom came and got us so we could bring the baby over to see my grandparents, they absolutely adored her lol. We went to get joe from work but of course, proud daddy, had to bring her into work and show her off.. everyone is just amazed by her when they see her, she's so precious ♥

My parents wanted to take the baby for the night to give joe and me a little break. not that it's her we need a break from.. there's just been a lot thrown on us, even my parents said we're doing so good keeping things together and being strong. I missed her so much and I was so worried about leaving her.. joe had to tell me to calm down a million times lol. I can't help it! I hate worrying so much but this is my daughter, wait till she gets older she's really gonna hate me haha.

So joe and me went out to dinner and chilled, it was a great night with him. He makes me laugh so much, I swere it's like hanging out with my bestfriend when we do stuff together, he's amazing.

Still haven't heard anything from the hospital, still praying that the test was a false positive. In the mean time im gonna try and enjoy everyday and not worry so much. Today Im spending the day with my parents to enjoy the nice weather with Avyonna while Joe's at work.

hope all is well

I feel like im going to break... :(

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 14:02:58 GMT

yesterday was the worst day of probably my life..

the doctor's called in the morning right before joe was about to leave for work and said that the baby's state screening test (that they do on all newborns to check for any disorders or diseases) came back abnormal and that we had to go to CHOP right away. I was balling my eyes out. It was bad enough having to bring her back to riddle's nicu on tuesday because she needed jaudice treatment but then when we get her back home they call and say more problems arise and we need to bring her BACK to the hospital.

the particular test that came back abnormal was an amino acid disorder. Which means, if she does have this disease then her body can't break down her food correctly and she will be put on special formula that you can only get from the pharmacy and for the rest of her life she would have to watch her diet because if it's not maintained it can effect her brain. They did say it's a 50/50 chance, 50% of this test being a false positive (which is why we went to chop because they had to re-run blood test and they needed a urine sample) or 50% that she does indeed have this disease. It is a genetic disease so joe and I would both have to be carriers of this same exact disorder, which is CRAZY because neither of us no of any of our family members having a problem with this.. and the doctor said since we aren't even the same ethnicity that makes it even more odd.

I haven't even been able to enjoy this little angel. Joe has been a mess, and he's being so strong for me because im exhausted, and beyond emotional. They put iv's in both her hands yesterday, it was horrible to watch but I had to stay by her side to comfort her. Me and Joe are honestly true soul mates to go through all that we have been and it's only made us stronger. I love him so much I could cry. He is the most amazing human being in the world and he would do ANYTHING for me and his daughter, he's proven that three fold.

I hope we get a break soon, we're good people who wanna be happy and have our own little family. But we have so many obstacles in our way, we both don't have cars, we're tight on money because I didnt have enough pto and vacation time at work to pay for my maternity leave and all I have left is money I saved before hand for rent and all. All this going on with the baby is making us both insane because we're first time parents, we're nervous wrecks as it is even if she was perfectly healthy but we've been constantly bringing her to hospitals and she's not even a week old.

we just need some prayers.

wirlwind couple of days

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 14:37:11 GMT

Yesterday Joe and I brought the baby to her first doctor's appointment. Everything was great, but they wanted her to get blood work to check her jaundice. We came home and the baby was napping in her little chair and then the phone rang. It was the baby's doctor, she said that her levels jumped from an 8 to a 17 in one day and that's too high so we needed to bring her to the nicu at riddle to start getting treatment. I was having a rough day yesterday, because the night before she was fussy all night long and we didn't get much sleep at all. I lost it, I know jaundice is very common in babies, Joe had to get treated for it when he was a baby so I knew she was going to be okay but it messes with your head having a baby and bringing her home, which is a HUGE change, and then all of a sudden were bringing her back to the hospital and coming home without her. Riddle is so amazing though, they started her treatment and let us know everything that was going on before we left. I hated seeing her in the incubator with lamps on her and she had to have these little zorro looking glasses on to cover her eyes :\ Im just so overly protective with the baby. She might be able to come home today though the doctor's said she's doing well so we'll see.

Joe has been so AMAZING with everything, he takes such good care of her - he surprised me three fold. I knew he'd be a good daddy, but he is just doing so great.. im grateful he's the man I had my child with <3 I told him yesterday I really don't know what id do without him.. he's been so great with me he knows how I am, and that i've been a little bit of a mess lately but joe knows me better then I know myself.. he really does.

Last night I missed Avy SO MUCH. but joe kept my mind off it the best he could and we ended up having a really nice night together. Im just so lucky. I feel like my life has officially started the second my daughter was born. I can't believe it.. im a mommy!

Joe had to go back to work today, luckily he's right across the street from the hospital so he's gonna stop in to see what's happening with the baby. My mom is coming over to help me get stuff straightened in the house and I still have stuff to put away for the baby, so that'll be good.

My throat feels scratchy I really hope im not getting a cold :|
alright well im gonna go lay down until my mom gets here. bye guys

WOW.. she's here <3 <3

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 22:23:37 GMT

So here we go.. I gotta give ya guys the whole run down of course, it was my first time having a baby!! lol.

Saturday morning I woke up around 4:30, nothing new I wasn't sleeping good cause I was just uncomfortable. I came out on the couch to watch t.v and eat some cereal but around 6:30 I started feeling some back contractions, so I started keeping an eye on them and writing them down they were consistently ten mins apart and by 7 I woke Joe up to give him the warning.. fifteen minutes later I yelled for him cause I had a really bad contraction I started getting sick and I was sweating like crazy.. I felt like complete and total SHIT. I called the doctor's but the on-call doctor was not getting back to me..by 8 I was still waiting but I said fuck it cause I called twice and had my showing so I knew for sure it was time. I called my mom told her and my dad to meet us at the hospital, on the way there the doctor called back and I told them I was on my way. We got settled in my room by 8:30, my dad was in the waiting room, joe's mom and her boyfriend came up shortly after but only joe and my mom stayed in the room with me. I kept very calm during my contractions, cause you get the slightest relief knowing that after 25 seconds of horrible pains, you'll have some relief for a couple of minutes. I was 6 centimeters when I got there, they gave me my epidural I think about an hour later? Which felt like HEAVEN, I said to Joe and my mom "k guys im ready to go home, I feel better" haha. At 12 they came and broke my water, as soon as the doctor and nurse walked out I was like "Mom go get them I really have to push!" fourty one minutes later she was here! It was so overwhelming.. listen if you dont have kids and wanna know what it feels like, dont ask me cause I'll tell you straight up - that hurt so bad I thought I was gonna die. But when she came out and they laid her on my chest we all started crying our eyes out.

Joe's family all was there, his sister and her two kids, joe's mom and her boyfriend.. Joe's mom really lost it when she saw us which made me cry hysterically lol. It was such a beautiful day.. allll my family came to see us, I was just in awe, I couldn't believe she was FINALLY here. Sunday was very relaxing, we had a few more visitors but pretty much Joe and I relaxed with her little one for the day. He stayed both nights with me which made me feel better.

im feeling really good, sore of course but everythings good. she's eating good, going to the bathroom good, and as long as she's full and has a clean diaper she's peaceful! though she did just start whining so mommy would pick her up, now she's passed out again in my arm lol. well i have pics on myspace but i hsve more to upload so i'll do that when i can!

can't seem to relax...

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 21:31:55 GMT

I really am very upset that Joe is at work for the rest of the night, im not feeling good at all and I have a feeling that I might not make it tonight. After the doctor did my internal it hurt really bad and she said that she was trying to "get things going" well I think she did cause Im just feeling funny. Im so upset with him that he puts up with this shit but I dont feel like fighting with him so what do I do? I've been getting everything ready, Im the one that put her car seat in my mom's car (cause i've been borrowing her car until I get one) and where is he at?? I just feel like he needs to be home with me during all this.. idk what to do, Im trying not to freak myself out but im really scared and I dont have him not to mention that I really can't see how im going to be able to go pick him up tonight at ten when he's done work. This all just isn't fair at all...

4 centimeters...

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 19:53:53 GMT

Went to the doctor's today, Im 4 centimeters and my cervix is completely thinned out.. Dr. Marie said she does not at all think Im gonna make it till next thursday which is her due date. Ever since I left the office im really not feeling good, my back really hurts and I just have a feeling something might happen tonight or this weekend. I should be excited right? But then Joe calls from work and tells me his assistant no called no showed and had her MOM call and tell Joe she's not coming back to work... and of course Joe's shitty boss expects Joe to work doubles until she gets this guy in there for Joe that she wants as his new assistant but the thing is that this guy needs to be trained so Joe will have to work doubles.. how the fuck is that gonna happen with me about to have this baby any damn minute? I hate his boss, she is ass backwards and I told him he better tell her about my doctor appointment today and that he really cannot be working these doubles and she needs to figure something out. It's up to him now to lay down the law to his boss.. im not stressing about his stupid fucking job anymore. I dont wanna hear about any of it.

On another note, me and my mom painted the baby's dresser and bought new knobs for it.. looks really good - I love how i've been doing everything for this baby but Joe constantly tells me I should be laying down relaxing, which yeah i should be but then how is anything going to get done??

ahhh the stresses of a relationship :) are so lovely, aren't they? lol

whatever all im gonna be concerned with is me and the baby. Im not stressing anymore...

I hate hypocrits

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 15:20:15 GMT

Relaxing, just got back from physical therapy.. it flew by today! Barely anyone was there. Joe's getting a MRI on his back so im waiting for him to get home from that.. I hope he's not gone too long he's got work in a little bit and I really wanna spend some time with him before he goes. Last night he wasn't feeling good, so I made him eat a nice dinner to get REAL food in his stomach and I gave him some medicine and he passed out for the night. I think he wasn't feeling well cause he never sleeps anymore.. he's been staying up late on - of course what else - his xbox lol. But he actually got plenty of sleep last night which Im glad about but, we barely got to really spend time together.. I miss him too much I hate it lol.. even though we live together and see eachother everyday I still miss him all the time!

I go to my weekly ob/gyn appointment tomorrow.. im anxious to see what they're gonna say! I hope I didn't gain a lot in the past week.. I ate like a monster at easter not gonna lie, lol. It is getting harder and HARDER to sleep at night.. this morning I was almost in tears I was in so much pain and all I could think was PLEASE just come out already PLEASEEE. I washed all her clothes and blankets the other day, her bassinet is all ready and my mom and I brought out the car seat so I could read the manual and figure out how to hook it all up in the car. My hospital bag is all packed and ready to go.. guess all I can do now is just wait!

I love how much my life has changed. It's funny i've been hearing a lot about some friends and ppl that I haven't talked to in a long time - and they are still doing the same old shit talking to the same ppl that they "hated and couldn't stand" and as for me? I have an AMAZING man who, thank god, was not a part of my old circle of friends.. he just moved here from new york when I met him which is what I wanted someone who was a complete change for me and that none of my friends already knew. I live on my own with him, I've completely matured three fold and we're about to start our own family.. I love that about my life. I dont need to go out with a huge group of ppl and get trashed every night cause im trying to fill a void in my life when really im not happy at all.. and that's exactly what they are all doing. Idk sometimes hearing from old ppl makes me wanna grab my family and move to another state. I needed all this change for myself and I wanna forget about the ppl I purposely left behind so I guess it gets annoying when they come up.

okay enough ranting. laying down till Joe gets back♥

BEST EASTER!

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 01:08:31 GMT

Joe and I had easter with my whole family today. It was awesome. Tons of great food.. my crazy family members (who all LOVE joe - he fits in with my family so well I love it) My cousin Christy and her husband had us all over her house, which is HUGE they have a half a million dollar house and it's gorgeous. Her husband Mark is so funny he's like a big kid, he's extremely competitive so he warned all the men in the family that there would be a basket ball tournament today so my brother had one of his jersey's with his last name on the back and Joe borrowed one too so they were team Cassidy, then my cousins came in with shirts they made that said Team Quinn, it was hilarious. The guys were having a great time and it was nice to see EVERYONE all together like that.. I can't explain it - there's normally a lot of drama in my family but today everything was pushed aside. Of course everyone kept talking about me and the baby, they all can't wait to see when I go in labor.. they're starting a pool lol. My mom is really convinced im gonna go this week.. I dont know we'll seeeee!

Anyway, today was great. Unfortunately the weeked is over and Monday is here already. Not that it matters to me im not working anyway lol. Wish it wasnt so cold out though.. it's supposed to be SPRING!

hope everyone had a great day <3

now im getting scared...

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 22:14:50 GMT

Joe and I were in the car earlier, he was driving to work and I started getting, what turned out to be just very strong braxton hicks, but I thought I was starting to feel the real thing.. it scared me shitless lol. Joe was like "roll the window down to get some air" "are you gonna be okay?" "how are you gonna drive home?" "should we go to the hospital?" haha. I know he's nervous but they went away after I was moving around in the seat. Once he got to work I figured I would just drive to my parents house cause they are much closer and hang out here til Joe gets done work tonight. They kept coming but then going so I knew they weren't true labor contractions. I see my doctor tomorrow.. im interested to know if the baby dropped at all? or if Im anymore dilated?.. I dont know what to expect so I guess we'll see.

Im just really starting to get nervous. Idk if I can do this! Am I gonna be a good mom? Am I gonna know what the hell im doing?!!? I could cry.. Im really on edge about it all.. I feel like a little kid, im so scared lol.

My mom is really excited, she thinks I might go early.. like within the next week or so. Everything is just gonna be changed the day she is here and I guess that's what scares me. I love Joe so much and we are about to do the most IMPORTANT thing two people can do.. in my eyes this is more important and serious then marriage. Is this normal to be freaking out like this??

Some comforting comments are definitely needed...

I bought the baby's crib set!

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 20:27:13 GMT

Went to babies-r-us yesterday evening and bought the baby her crib bed set, lamp, mobile and all the little accessories for her room :) im really excited. My parents are getting the actual crib for us (which is a huge relief) but I couldn't wait for them to take me out to get her crib before buying all the stuff I wanted to have her pattern all picked out. I really didn't want too much pink it's way to typical for little girls but I did find a set with white, pink and grey. Everything is so cute I cannot wait to have everything all set up so I can take pictures and show you guys! I still have tons of clothes in gift bags cause Im waiting for my older brother to paint a dresser he's giving us for her (which is taking him forever) Once I get the dresser I can organize the rest of her stuff and get the bags out of her room. I can't believe I only have two weeks left... it still isn't hitting me. Im gonna be a mom - this little girl is a part of me and a part of joe and we shape out the beginning years of her life. I can say all that but it's not clicking.. I guess it won't till I hold her in my arms. Im really excited but so scared.

Still no car, still waiting for my bank to clear the check and pay off the rest of this damn loan so I can go get another car! Good thing though about not having a car is now I don't have any bills to pay except for my half of rent, which is good cause im out of work and only have 2 weeks worth of pto's and vacation days. BUT! since Im great at saving money I should be okay with paying rent and whatever else.

Im visiting at my parent's house for right now, Joe is painting graffiti on this kids wall and his parents are paying Joe a couple hundred to do it.. haha how random right? The lady and her son were at Journey's and saw some of the graffiti art that was in the store and asked about it, Joe told them he actually did it and the lady was thrilled cause her son is just starting to get all into that stuff but she couldn't find anyone who was good at it. Joe is extremely talented, growing up in new york city and being a little hoodlum paid off I guess haha. For a couple hundred? Not a bad gig at all.

warning: mushy love outburst lol

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 18:57:16 GMT

Joe and I had an amazing day together yesterday. I am so lucky that I have such a loving, caring man like Joe. He would and does do anything for me.. it is so obvious that he lives everyday to make me happy and he does.. I think more then he even knows. I can't even believe that in my past relationship I thought I was truly in love, that was not even close to real love.. because the way I feel about Joe every single day, is way beyond how I felt back then about Chris. I know I had love for Chris, but he never could give me back a quarter of what I ever gave to him.. he wasn't even man enough to stay true to me and only me and tell the other girl NO for the sake of our relationship together. Now I have someone who gives me back 250% of what I give to him and that is the greatest thing in the world. It's amazing to be able to look at eachother the way we do and we still get those same feelings we did when we first started dating.. only our love has grown so much more, we've grown so much together. We work so hard day in and day out as a couple to have what we want to have together in life.. we have a beautiful and safe home that we will be bringing our babygirl into, we have a loving and fulfilling environment to raise her in and she will always have her mommy and daddy together, in one home, along with her other siblings that will one day be here. He is going to be such a good daddy, he already is and she's not even here yet. I try and tell him everyday how much I appreciate being in his life, but the words don't even touch how I truly feel about him.

Im just grateful, im grateful I got to go through all that heartache and pain with Chris so I could learn and grow as a person.. because in the end it all worked out for me and now I get to share my life with my soulmate, my bestfriend, and the father of my child and future children. So I guess I really have my ex to thank, thanks for not being enough for me so I could truly see what it is that I deserve from another person.